THIS VIDEO / SONG IS THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF THE FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS BLOG
Suicidal Thoughts
The first time I heard this song I couldn't stop listening to it! Although some of the circumstances of my life in comparison to the late great BIGGIE SMALLS, I felt like everything that he was saying was EXACTLY what I had been feeling for such a long time in life. Unlike may kids my age I was already getting high & drinking................ every weekend......... with my own money ( I had paper routes & detailed cars)! I was also entertaining the thought of killing myself.
I don't know what age I was, somewhere between 11 & 12, but I could tell you exactly what the cool summer 80's Bronx, NY air smelled like, what my mother was cooking, what Bob Marley song she was singing along too, exactly where the sun was, even where the cat & dog was sleeping. In the process of coming upstairs for something to drink after a game of stick ball, I make my way to the bathroom, close the door behind myself & turned the water on ( don't ask me why). I stood on the side of the bath tub balancing myself by using 1 hand to hold on to the shower curtain rod that has NEVER EVER been broken or replaced. With the other hand I took the belt off of my waist & fixed around my neck, the whole time I'm looking at myself in the mirrors on the opposite wall. I finally get the long part of the belt over the curtain rod & began to think about how painful this could possibly be, not to mention what kind of ass kicking I would get from my mother for fucking up the shower curtain rod & telling her about how it happened ( the thought of her being mad at me for trying to kill myself never crossed my mind, my mother didn't find out I was molested until I told her at the age of 33. To this day she has no knowledge of my suicide attempt).
Once I figured out the amount of pain & punishment I would endure I aborted my plan. I told myself I would physically hurt too much thus was not a good idea. Pain for the most part was not a part of my life at that point. It was all about doing things that made me feel as good as possible for all the wrong reasons & the pain you feel for that short moment in time when you kill yourself, however you do it, wasn't for me! So, I simply took the belt down, jumped down to the floor, turned the water off, put my belt back on, kissed my mom on the way out the door to go finish playing with my friends like nothing happened.
As time moved on I later realized that I was not totally over my fascination with death & pleasure. As a result of my premature exposure to sex, I began to engage quite a few girls/women in risky situations........ I was the shy / quite kid that father would leave his daughter with ............ even though here boobs grew to a 34c over night; that would fuck her as soon as he walked out the door. One night I even lied to my mom about where I was so that I could spend the night with this 25 yr old young lady.................. I was 16! I always had condoms, I just never like to use them. My logic was ........ If she doesn't tel me anything about anything, then I dint have anything! THANK GOD THAT I NEVER DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But that was my new method & means of trying to kill myself...... I wanted to feel good to death!!!!!! Because I didn't feel good on the inside..... It took me a while to realize that my sexual abilities, energy, & tastes can be a weapon, a curse, or a gift to whom ever I come in contact with in conjunction with the spiritual energy that draws a person too you. It is because of this that I have damage a few women that might have cared for me more than they cared for themselves, not realizing that they were ill equipped to "fix" me or address any of my needs. They didn't even have the ears to just LISTEN to me & my pain.
In the process of healing myself I managed to reach out to a few of the women that have been in my life and apologize to them & explain what my sickness is, some understand & some don't, but all in all they were extremely appreciative of the fact that I thought enough of them over time to want to do such a thing! I did it on behalf of all men who have done the same thing to women...... knowingly or unknowingly! An ex even told me that for the third time in a row she's involved with a man that has been sexually abused, but wont or cant admit it!
FIRST TIME
One night I was up late working on my pc & listening to some music & this song came on . I listened to it over & over for quite a while & thought what a powerful song and how the strong the memory of a first time experience could be for some one. Speaking with a younger associate of mine, the subject of what his first sexual experience was like. You could tell by the expression on his face and his posture that the thought of it made him both angry & sad. An older teenage girl living with the baby sitter that he was with molested him and in effect became the person that stole his virginity, robbing him of a true first time as well as molesting/raping him. The thought of virginity, loosing it, the person involved, the situation, time of year, or song playing never really dawned on me until I listened to another man share his pain with me; only to realize that I too know the exact pain & sadness that he was feeling . Prior to that I never considered my own virginity. Anytime I did considered it, a woman was involved & that usually meant that there would be a whole lot of extra feelings, emotions, conversations about those feelings & emotions. I had the pleasure & pain of being in a relationship with a young lady who was a virgin when we first started dating and buy the time our relationship ended she was no longer a virgin. Somewhat of a special connection develops & stays intact when that happens...... no matter how the relationship ends, depending on the feelings & circumstances involved with the sexual encounters, the memory of that is something special that only those two people can share together for life, regardless of who they end up with. The same can be said for having children. The first person you have children with for some reason seems to be the person of the most significance if you have children by various people. there is simply no way to deny it..... So, the more I thought about my first time I began to realize that my first time was the worst time. I was something that I wish I could not only forget, but i wish it never happened, and I've tried to live life like it hasn't and wasn't too successful at it. My first time caused me to become a very sexually charged child, teen, & adult for quite a while. For as long as I can remember sex has always been a part of my life. I cant not remember ( if that makes sense) not being sexually active or engaging in some sort of sexual activities with girls my age or older because of my introduction too sex by my male babysitter & molester. How fucked up is it for a man's recollection of his first sexual experience to be one with a man, who for all the most obvious reasons is gay? Who wants to remember that? Who wants to hold on to that? Nobody dose, but they do; I know I do & I wish I couldn't. While the song was playing, I was thinking of what the first time meant to me for this particular part of my life, which in turn had a huge impact on my life. This is what I wrote: MY FIRST TIME WAS THE WORST TIME FIRST TIME STAYS STUCK IN MY MIND MAKES ME WISH I WAS BLIND FUCK THE FIRST TIME AKA WORST TIME FIRST TIME WORST TIME FELT GOOD LIKE SUNSHINE DO WAS IT WAS SUPPOSED TOO, WAS IT NATURAL / NORMAL THOUGHTS LINGERS IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME, IT'S KINDA GAY, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL SAY ANYWAY WHAT'S A YOUNG MAN TO DO WHEN A GROWN MAN CHOOSES ME TOO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE.............. THE FIRST TIME HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYDAY NOW I REALIZE THAT MOTHER PHUCKER WAS / IS GAY REGARDLESS OF WHAT GLAD SAY....... THE FIRST TIME STILL FUCKS WIT MY MIND GOT ME ON SOME SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO COMMIT IT'S HARD TO SHOW LOVE WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ASK FOR A HUG WE CLOSE BUT NOT THAT CLOSE, BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP YOU KNOW I'M GHOST INTIMACY JUST AIN'T A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW I'M FUCKIN & TRUCKIN AS SOON AS YOU DO THE DICK SUCKIN THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME , TRIED TO BLOCK IT OUT MY MY MIND BUT EVEN I CANT STOP ME............... MY ORAL FIXATION IS THE CAUSE OF SO MUCH HEART ACHE & FRUSTRATION by SOL
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