I wanted to write this a few moths ago but for what ever reason I never got around to it. Like most of this shit that I've been writing……… nobody really wants to read! The people that I write it for refuse to read it or acknowledge that this IS them. Sometimes they don’t want to read it because it is the reminder and it brings pain with it, I know….. I feel it when I'm writing about all of this, but when I come back to check the few responses……..It makes it all worth while. I cant really say I wish I had done this sooner, but I'm glad that I'm doing it now! ( Did I just vent …….. In my own blog????? It's mine!!!!! So what!) This is a subject that I discussed with two different women friend of mine that had the courage to ask me if I was gay, one in person the other over the phone( we good like that ).The one that asked in person is the one that I've known the longest; the one that asked on the phone has a totally different relationship & place in my life , but both are very important people. Now, I've had a great number of women ask me if I was gay on a daily basis during my time arching eyebrows & doing make-up, in the window, of a popular spot in the mall, for the most obvious reasons……… The average straight man doesn't know shit about make - up / skin care nor dose he arch eyebrows! I know about that & have done it for 7 straight years. So the context and reasoning for these women to do such a thing is quite logical, coupled with the fact that I had no real personal relationship / connection with the majority of them out side of work. To them I was some what of a novelty & a curiosity because of what I was doing & being straight, it just came with the job. For those that don’t know, gay people run the beauty industry! If you want to do anything in the beauty industry you will at some point in time have to deal with all of the things that you deal with when dealing with gay people; good, bad, & ugly. I managed to make it through my time spent in the industry known as a good person to work with but not to try under any circumstances……. & even that would bring unwanted attention sometimes.
However, to my surprise , the one that I've known the longest told me that she thought that I had the ability to be or would be the type of gay man that thought that as long as he was doing it to the other guy that HE himself wasn’t gay. That shit really blew me away! I kinda laughed it off at first, then it bothered me a little that she thought that I would get down like that…….. But I understand. All of the men that she knows that are gay have been molested & their molestation was the prime catalyst for their alternative sexual life style; or so they say / choose to believe. I mean…………………. That’s what they tell themselves…………………….the woman that called me said she could feel a lot of feminim energy around me. My guess is that she can feel or see the remains of the energy from the people that molested me……. The residue from the mental / spiritual battel that I fought to maintain my sanity & manhood . Either way it goes I assured her ( this isn't a person you could lie too) that whatever it is / was has no power over my decision making ability & that I am not now nor have I ever been in desire to do anything sexual with a man or a man that looks like a woman! With that said………………….. You must keep in mind that I have never ever been the victim of any type of anal penetration. My molester focused on performing oral sex on me. Thus my oral fixation……………… it's very difficult to be with a woman who doesn't enjoy performing oral sex. I know your thinking what guy wouldn’t, but it's not as simple as that. Shit, ask a heroin addict how he /she got clean, see what he tell you……………
anyway, there was a block of time in my life ( on my own in atlanta / college / working) where I would come home and go to war with myself ( my mother would tell me I was my worst enemy all the time & I never understood it till now, she knew I was fighting myself, but she didnt know why). Nights would be consumed with how to separate the fact that what this man did to me as a kid felt good, I know it was wrong, I'm not a homo ( no offence if you are), I don’t like men in any way, shape , form, or fashion, so what dose that make me? What am i? how do I classify myself? What do I tell myself about what happened , how it happened & who was doing what??????? Hell, my moms was calling me every other week with the if your gay / bi/ or whatever the fuck I still love you & you'll always be my son shit…….. Which on one level 'im thankful for but on another level, it just added fule to the fire. My greatest allies in finding an answer to these questions was the constant flow of weed that I smoked along with the women that provided the reassuring sex they knew nothing about. I believe all sexually abused men go through this process of trying to determine how to disassociate a natural normal response to an unnatural situation that has by default created a new level of normalcy. Most of the time man logic (especially black man logic) doesn't allow for such thing to be entertained. Even the logic of the logic wouldn’t see the point in dealing with let alone exposing such an issue. On top of that…………………….. There is no place in the black community for a black man to speak of such confusion, in an attempt to receive some direction, comfort & empathy.
I can understand how some men can blame their homosexuality on their molestation. Most are drawn to what they are shown first. This is one of those things that cause some men to hate themselves & the fact that they "feel" like that have to be with another man just for that short space of time…… no matter how much they may not like being there.
The flip side to that for me is……………….. You make a choice. After a certain point in life You get to make a choice about weather or not your going to bend over for a man or have another man bend over for you, or taking turns sucking each other off………. I believe all male child molesters are gay! I don’t believe all gay men are child molesters, but I do believe that they look at little boys the way most grown men look at young girls. As a result, I do not particularly care for gay people, yet some of the best friends that I've had & still have are gay men.
About 1 out of every 4 men have been molested, so that’s 1 out of every 4 men walking around with some of the crazy shit I just described, in their heads. That’s 1 out of every 4 men that have other social, emotional, & mental issues that as fathers, husbands, & boyfriends, have no positive or productive forum for discussing this…………..
The gayness is the least of the problems if its gotten to that point; the lack of self love then becomes the real issue.
Posted by thesolsurvivor