THIS VIDEO / SONG IS THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF THE FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS BLOG
So, I told my girlfriend ( Michelle ) about my sexual abuse after a series of visits with my therapist. The most logical question any rational thinking man that ever contemplated doing such a thing would ask himself would be:
1) Why the fuck would I want to do that to myself?
2) How the hell would that help me in my relationship?
3) How & what would this woman look at me & how would she think of me?
4) How would I handle the possible rejection or lack of support?
5) What will I do if this doesn't go well?
6) Will I still be considered a mans man in her eye's?
7) What exactly do I tell her & how? If she wants to know?
8) Am I prepared to keep it moving?
9) What if ?, What if?, What if ?, What if?
In order for me to tell the story I must fill you in on the background of the relationship that we had for almost 8 years. We met in college and at the time she had a boyfriend so we managed to develop & maintain a friendship for about 3 years before we got together. At the time she wasn’t the most attractive woman that I knew & she was somewhat sensitive about her looks/appearance ( she was a video girl hater, still is! ) She had self esteem & insecurity issues that would later be amplified because of what I did for a living as a barber/ hair stylist / eyebrow & make up artist. I'm not a bad looking guy, so for whatever reason beautiful women were always around me, this was never a big deal to me because I grew up around a bunch of women .
Initially, I was attracted to the way she walked, then the kind of person that she was on the inside, so the fact that she wasn’t a 10 didn’t matter. She was a nice person and was fun to talk too about the bullshit that I had going on. When we got together, it started out as a long distance relationship & I was dating other people (later she moved to the same city that I lived in but claimed it wasn’t because of me). Initially ,she was the only girlfriend that I had but never really acknowledged her as such. Other people knew, but for whatever reason I didn’t tell her. I know it doesn't make sense too you, then again maybe it dose if your someone whose been where I've been. I had a need to compartmentalize my relationships & the amount of space inside of me for whoever was limited to a particular amount of space. To acknowledge to her the status of our relationship would give her the room to allow her "feelings" to grow like a plant with an unlimited supply of water as needed. At the time I wasn’t prepared to tell another woman that I loved her or that I was in love with her ( those are 2 very different things) due to the previous relationship that severely damaged my concept of friendship & love. That relationship was the cause of the many security , honesty, respect, & trust issues that I've had in my life /relationships with other women.
In retrospect, Michelle was a comfort, reliable, & somewhat of a safe zone in the early to mid part of our relationship. In spite of my lack of verbal commitment to her, I was always there and more importantly she was there for me. We spent a huge amount of time together, damn near lived together, I spent more time at her house than I did at mine. It was one of the most dysfunctional relationships that I've ever been in. She unknowingly dealt with and absorbed all of the punishment that a sexually & emotionally abused person can & will put you through. Being emotionally unavailable was a constant. I had more days than I can remember where I woke up and simply didn’t want to be touched, nights where I could hold her but she couldn’t hold me, and all type of sex with women that she wasn’t into. Having a sexual relationship with other women while I was with her was a constant and too me it had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt about her nor did it have anything to do with how I felt about her. If you ask her, I'm quite sure she has a totally different perspective. Bottom line she was my safe zone, the only person outside of my mother & family members that loved me more than I loved myself at the time, this was also a something tat caused me to resent her a great deal. I couldn’t understand how one person could love another person that didn’t love themselves nor what she saw in me that was worth while loving. On top of that she was very jealous of the relationship that I have with my mother. So the combination of all those things ( even though I was to blame for a large number of things) made it easy for me to cheat, lie, & be mentally abusive to her.
Anyway , she was there and she was supportive in a way that worked for me, shit …….. She had no clue about what was going on inside of me OR with me in our relationship. She was huge on communication & supporting her mans emotional needs & so forth. We were at a point where shit would fall apart & every time we would find away to get back together. We specialized in break ups to make up. Believe it or not , I got to a point where I was having more sex with other people than her, I'd just be there taking up space. We'd go weeks with out sex, part of the turn off for me was the fact that she wasn’t as sexually aggressive as the women I preferred to be with. We had sex when & if I wanted too. She was horrible at giving head & that was something that I almost had to have on a somewhat consistent basis, so I felt like I had no other choice sometimes. I never left and stayed in the relationship as long as I did because I simply had nowhere else to go, I didn’t know where else to go or be!
So at the suggestion of my therapist……………………….. I decided in an effort to better myself & our relationship that I would tell her about what has been apart of my life & was responsible in part for how I treated her & acted through out our relationship (particularly as it relate to my sexual escapades with other women). The reaction that I got was one that I did not expect at all……….. To me she appeared dumbfounded and at a total loss for words. She almost couldn’t look me in the eyes. I handed the 3 booklets that the therapist gave me to help explain to the partners of the sexually abused how & why we do the things that we do, she said that she would read them & that was the end of the conversation. Attempts to tall to her about it on several occasions was always met with some sort of stall tactic. It got to the point where I would just ask her out the blue if she ever read ANY of the booklets, only to get that she just didn't get to it yet. Keep in mind that this is a person that could /would read a 600 page novel in a night! If a stamp had something written on it she would read it! She loves reading that much…….. The straw that broke the camels back for me was finding the booklets at the bottom of the junk mail pile that was in the corner of her bed room. That shit hurt a lot, and it pushed me into the fuck it / fuck you zone with her. Not to mention how it made me feel as a man, a man that someone said they loved & cared about. ( I DON’T EXPECT THE READER WHO HASN’T BEEN ABUSED TO UNDERSTAND THIS TWISTED WAY OF THINKING & OPERATING IN A RELATIONSHIP) I always felt like she didn’t respect me as a man after that, like the image of me that she constructed in her head was destroyed in some way.
The relationship continued off and on for another year & a half to 2 years. We were basically at the point where we were either going to get married or go our separate ways. We've met each others parents on several occasions ect, ect, ect. In the process I found another person to transition into a relationship with who was able to handle what I needed to tell her about me. Even though I only told her enough to get by with, she showed me so much more support and found a way to show me how it was possible for someone to love me & for me to love myself. I wasn’t where I needed or wanted to be with her and things fell apart. I basically talked myself out of a great relationship, on top of a major complication, but I'm a much better person for it. I recently wrote Michelle a letter about our relationship, in an attempt to provide as much closure & understanding to our situation from my perspective as possible, plus apologize and offered her a chance to share with me how she felt …… she said that she would respond but has not to date, that was almost 2 months ago. In a lot of ways she feels like a person I just know now, we don’t really communicate anymore. Were facebook friends, but so are a lot of people you don’t really know!
The first time I heard this song I couldn't stop listening to it! Although some of the circumstances of my life in comparison to the late great BIGGIE SMALLS, I felt like everything that he was saying was EXACTLY what I had been feeling for such a long time in life. Unlike may kids my age I was already getting high & drinking................ every weekend......... with my own money ( I had paper routes & detailed cars)! I was also entertaining the thought of killing myself.
I don't know what age I was, somewhere between 11 & 12, but I could tell you exactly what the cool summer 80's Bronx, NY air smelled like, what my mother was cooking, what Bob Marley song she was singing along too, exactly where the sun was, even where the cat & dog was sleeping. In the process of coming upstairs for something to drink after a game of stick ball, I make my way to the bathroom, close the door behind myself & turned the water on ( don't ask me why). I stood on the side of the bath tub balancing myself by using 1 hand to hold on to the shower curtain rod that has NEVER EVER been broken or replaced. With the other hand I took the belt off of my waist & fixed around my neck, the whole time I'm looking at myself in the mirrors on the opposite wall. I finally get the long part of the belt over the curtain rod & began to think about how painful this could possibly be, not to mention what kind of ass kicking I would get from my mother for fucking up the shower curtain rod & telling her about how it happened ( the thought of her being mad at me for trying to kill myself never crossed my mind, my mother didn't find out I was molested until I told her at the age of 33. To this day she has no knowledge of my suicide attempt).
Once I figured out the amount of pain & punishment I would endure I aborted my plan. I told myself I would physically hurt too much thus was not a good idea. Pain for the most part was not a part of my life at that point. It was all about doing things that made me feel as good as possible for all the wrong reasons & the pain you feel for that short moment in time when you kill yourself, however you do it, wasn't for me! So, I simply took the belt down, jumped down to the floor, turned the water off, put my belt back on, kissed my mom on the way out the door to go finish playing with my friends like nothing happened.
As time moved on I later realized that I was not totally over my fascination with death & pleasure. As a result of my premature exposure to sex, I began to engage quite a few girls/women in risky situations........ I was the shy / quite kid that father would leave his daughter with ............ even though here boobs grew to a 34c over night; that would fuck her as soon as he walked out the door. One night I even lied to my mom about where I was so that I could spend the night with this 25 yr old young lady.................. I was 16! I always had condoms, I just never like to use them. My logic was ........ If she doesn't tel me anything about anything, then I dint have anything! THANK GOD THAT I NEVER DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But that was my new method & means of trying to kill myself...... I wanted to feel good to death!!!!!! Because I didn't feel good on the inside..... It took me a while to realize that my sexual abilities, energy, & tastes can be a weapon, a curse, or a gift to whom ever I come in contact with in conjunction with the spiritual energy that draws a person too you. It is because of this that I have damage a few women that might have cared for me more than they cared for themselves, not realizing that they were ill equipped to "fix" me or address any of my needs. They didn't even have the ears to just LISTEN to me & my pain.
In the process of healing myself I managed to reach out to a few of the women that have been in my life and apologize to them & explain what my sickness is, some understand & some don't, but all in all they were extremely appreciative of the fact that I thought enough of them over time to want to do such a thing! I did it on behalf of all men who have done the same thing to women...... knowingly or unknowingly! An ex even told me that for the third time in a row she's involved with a man that has been sexually abused, but wont or cant admit it!
One night I was up late working on my pc & listening to some music & this song came on . I listened to it over & over for quite a while & thought what a powerful song and how the strong the memory of a first time experience could be for some one. Speaking with a younger associate of mine, the subject of what his first sexual experience was like. You could tell by the expression on his face and his posture that the thought of it made him both angry & sad. An older teenage girl living with the baby sitter that he was with molested him and in effect became the person that stole his virginity, robbing him of a true first time as well as molesting/raping him. The thought of virginity, loosing it, the person involved, the situation, time of year, or song playing never really dawned on me until I listened to another man share his pain with me; only to realize that I too know the exact pain & sadness that he was feeling . Prior to that I never considered my own virginity. Anytime I did considered it, a woman was involved & that usually meant that there would be a whole lot of extra feelings, emotions, conversations about those feelings & emotions. I had the pleasure & pain of being in a relationship with a young lady who was a virgin when we first started dating and buy the time our relationship ended she was no longer a virgin. Somewhat of a special connection develops & stays intact when that happens...... no matter how the relationship ends, depending on the feelings & circumstances involved with the sexual encounters, the memory of that is something special that only those two people can share together for life, regardless of who they end up with. The same can be said for having children. The first person you have children with for some reason seems to be the person of the most significance if you have children by various people. there is simply no way to deny it..... So, the more I thought about my first time I began to realize that my first time was the worst time. I was something that I wish I could not only forget, but i wish it never happened, and I've tried to live life like it hasn't and wasn't too successful at it. My first time caused me to become a very sexually charged child, teen, & adult for quite a while. For as long as I can remember sex has always been a part of my life. I cant not remember ( if that makes sense) not being sexually active or engaging in some sort of sexual activities with girls my age or older because of my introduction too sex by my male babysitter & molester. How fucked up is it for a man's recollection of his first sexual experience to be one with a man, who for all the most obvious reasons is gay? Who wants to remember that? Who wants to hold on to that? Nobody dose, but they do; I know I do & I wish I couldn't. While the song was playing, I was thinking of what the first time meant to me for this particular part of my life, which in turn had a huge impact on my life. This is what I wrote: MY FIRST TIME WAS THE WORST TIME FIRST TIME STAYS STUCK IN MY MIND MAKES ME WISH I WAS BLIND FUCK THE FIRST TIME AKA WORST TIME FIRST TIME WORST TIME FELT GOOD LIKE SUNSHINE DO WAS IT WAS SUPPOSED TOO, WAS IT NATURAL / NORMAL THOUGHTS LINGERS IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME, IT'S KINDA GAY, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL SAY ANYWAY WHAT'S A YOUNG MAN TO DO WHEN A GROWN MAN CHOOSES ME TOO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE.............. THE FIRST TIME HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYDAY NOW I REALIZE THAT MOTHER PHUCKER WAS / IS GAY REGARDLESS OF WHAT GLAD SAY....... THE FIRST TIME STILL FUCKS WIT MY MIND GOT ME ON SOME SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO COMMIT IT'S HARD TO SHOW LOVE WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ASK FOR A HUG WE CLOSE BUT NOT THAT CLOSE, BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP YOU KNOW I'M GHOST INTIMACY JUST AIN'T A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW I'M FUCKIN & TRUCKIN AS SOON AS YOU DO THE DICK SUCKIN THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME , TRIED TO BLOCK IT OUT MY MY MIND BUT EVEN I CANT STOP ME............... MY ORAL FIXATION IS THE CAUSE OF SO MUCH HEART ACHE & FRUSTRATION by SOL