One night I was up late working on my pc & listening to some music & this song came on . I listened to it over & over for quite a while & thought what a powerful song and how the strong the memory of a first time experience could be for some one. Speaking with a younger associate of mine, the subject of what his first sexual experience was like. You could tell by the expression on his face and his posture that the thought of it made him both angry & sad. An older teenage girl living with the baby sitter that he was with molested him and in effect became the person that stole his virginity, robbing him of a true first time as well as molesting/raping him.
The thought of virginity, loosing it, the person involved, the situation, time of year, or song playing never really dawned on me until I listened to another man share his pain with me; only to realize that I too know the exact pain & sadness that he was feeling . Prior to that I never considered my own virginity. Anytime I did considered it, a woman was involved & that usually meant that there would be a whole lot of extra feelings, emotions, conversations about those feelings & emotions. I had the pleasure & pain of being in a relationship with a young lady who was a virgin when we first started dating and buy the time our relationship ended she was no longer a virgin. Somewhat of a special connection develops & stays intact when that happens...... no matter how the relationship ends, depending on the feelings & circumstances involved with the sexual encounters, the memory of that is something special that only those two people can share together for life, regardless of who they end up with. The same can be said for having children. The first person you have children with for some reason seems to be the person of the most significance if you have children by various people. there is simply no way to deny it.....
So, the more I thought about my first time I began to realize that my first time was the worst time. I was something that I wish I could not only forget, but i wish it never happened, and I've tried to live life like it hasn't and wasn't too successful at it. My first time caused me to become a very sexually charged child, teen, & adult for quite a while. For as long as I can remember sex has always been a part of my life. I cant not remember ( if that makes sense) not being sexually active or engaging in some sort of sexual activities with girls my age or older because of my introduction too sex by my male babysitter & molester. How fucked up is it for a man's recollection of his first sexual experience to be one with a man, who for all the most obvious reasons is gay? Who wants to remember that? Who wants to hold on to that? Nobody dose, but they do; I know I do & I wish I couldn't.
While the song was playing, I was thinking of what the first time meant to me for this particular part of my life, which in turn had a huge impact on my life. This is what I wrote:
MY FIRST TIME WAS THE WORST TIME
FIRST TIME STAYS STUCK IN MY MIND
MAKES ME WISH I WAS BLIND
FUCK THE FIRST TIME AKA WORST TIME
FIRST TIME WORST TIME FELT GOOD LIKE SUNSHINE DO
WAS IT WAS SUPPOSED TOO, WAS IT NATURAL / NORMAL
THOUGHTS LINGERS IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME,
IT'S KINDA GAY, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL SAY ANYWAY
WHAT'S A YOUNG MAN TO DO WHEN A GROWN MAN CHOOSES ME
TOO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE..............
THE FIRST TIME HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYDAY
NOW I REALIZE THAT MOTHER PHUCKER WAS / IS GAY REGARDLESS
OF WHAT GLAD SAY.......
THE FIRST TIME STILL FUCKS WIT MY MIND
GOT ME ON SOME SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO COMMIT
IT'S HARD TO SHOW LOVE WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ASK FOR A HUG
WE CLOSE BUT NOT THAT CLOSE, BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP YOU KNOW I'M GHOST
INTIMACY JUST AIN'T A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW
I'M FUCKIN & TRUCKIN AS SOON AS YOU DO THE DICK SUCKIN
THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME , TRIED TO BLOCK IT OUT MY MY MIND
BUT EVEN I CANT STOP ME...............
MY ORAL FIXATION IS THE CAUSE OF SO MUCH HEART ACHE & FRUSTRATION
by SOL
The thought of virginity, loosing it, the person involved, the situation, time of year, or song playing never really dawned on me until I listened to another man share his pain with me; only to realize that I too know the exact pain & sadness that he was feeling . Prior to that I never considered my own virginity. Anytime I did considered it, a woman was involved & that usually meant that there would be a whole lot of extra feelings, emotions, conversations about those feelings & emotions. I had the pleasure & pain of being in a relationship with a young lady who was a virgin when we first started dating and buy the time our relationship ended she was no longer a virgin. Somewhat of a special connection develops & stays intact when that happens...... no matter how the relationship ends, depending on the feelings & circumstances involved with the sexual encounters, the memory of that is something special that only those two people can share together for life, regardless of who they end up with. The same can be said for having children. The first person you have children with for some reason seems to be the person of the most significance if you have children by various people. there is simply no way to deny it.....
So, the more I thought about my first time I began to realize that my first time was the worst time. I was something that I wish I could not only forget, but i wish it never happened, and I've tried to live life like it hasn't and wasn't too successful at it. My first time caused me to become a very sexually charged child, teen, & adult for quite a while. For as long as I can remember sex has always been a part of my life. I cant not remember ( if that makes sense) not being sexually active or engaging in some sort of sexual activities with girls my age or older because of my introduction too sex by my male babysitter & molester. How fucked up is it for a man's recollection of his first sexual experience to be one with a man, who for all the most obvious reasons is gay? Who wants to remember that? Who wants to hold on to that? Nobody dose, but they do; I know I do & I wish I couldn't.
While the song was playing, I was thinking of what the first time meant to me for this particular part of my life, which in turn had a huge impact on my life. This is what I wrote:
MY FIRST TIME WAS THE WORST TIME
FIRST TIME STAYS STUCK IN MY MIND
MAKES ME WISH I WAS BLIND
FUCK THE FIRST TIME AKA WORST TIME
FIRST TIME WORST TIME FELT GOOD LIKE SUNSHINE DO
WAS IT WAS SUPPOSED TOO, WAS IT NATURAL / NORMAL
THOUGHTS LINGERS IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME,
IT'S KINDA GAY, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL SAY ANYWAY
WHAT'S A YOUNG MAN TO DO WHEN A GROWN MAN CHOOSES ME
TOO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE..............
THE FIRST TIME HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYDAY
NOW I REALIZE THAT MOTHER PHUCKER WAS / IS GAY REGARDLESS
OF WHAT GLAD SAY.......
THE FIRST TIME STILL FUCKS WIT MY MIND
GOT ME ON SOME SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO COMMIT
IT'S HARD TO SHOW LOVE WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ASK FOR A HUG
WE CLOSE BUT NOT THAT CLOSE, BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP YOU KNOW I'M GHOST
INTIMACY JUST AIN'T A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW
I'M FUCKIN & TRUCKIN AS SOON AS YOU DO THE DICK SUCKIN
THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME , TRIED TO BLOCK IT OUT MY MY MIND
BUT EVEN I CANT STOP ME...............
MY ORAL FIXATION IS THE CAUSE OF SO MUCH HEART ACHE & FRUSTRATION
by SOL
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