FIRST TIME


One night I was up late working on my pc & listening to some music & this song came on . I listened to it over & over for quite a while & thought what a powerful song and how the strong the memory of a first time experience could be for some one. Speaking with a younger associate of mine, the subject of what his first sexual experience was like. You could tell by the expression on his face and his posture that the thought of it made him both angry & sad. An older teenage girl living with the baby sitter that he was with molested him and in effect became the person that stole his virginity, robbing him of a true first time as well as molesting/raping him. The thought of virginity, loosing it, the person involved, the situation, time of year, or song playing never really dawned on me until I listened to another man share his pain with me; only to realize that I too know the exact pain & sadness that he was feeling . Prior to that I never considered my own virginity. Anytime I did considered it, a woman was involved & that usually meant that there would be a whole lot of extra feelings, emotions, conversations about those feelings & emotions. I had the pleasure & pain of being in a relationship with a young lady who was a virgin when we first started dating and buy the time our relationship ended she was no longer a virgin. Somewhat of a special connection develops & stays intact when that happens...... no matter how the relationship ends, depending on the feelings & circumstances involved with the sexual encounters, the memory of that is something special that only those two people can share together for life, regardless of who they end up with. The same can be said for having children. The first person you have children with for some reason seems to be the person of the most significance if you have children by various people. there is simply no way to deny it..... So, the more I thought about my first time I began to realize that my first time was the worst time. I was something that I wish I could not only forget, but i wish it never happened, and I've tried to live life like it hasn't and wasn't too successful at it. My first time caused me to become a very sexually charged child, teen, & adult for quite a while. For as long as I can remember sex has always been a part of my life. I cant not remember ( if that makes sense) not being sexually active or engaging in some sort of sexual activities with girls my age or older because of my introduction too sex by my male babysitter & molester. How fucked up is it for a man's recollection of his first sexual experience to be one with a man, who for all the most obvious reasons is gay? Who wants to remember that? Who wants to hold on to that? Nobody dose, but they do; I know I do & I wish I couldn't. While the song was playing, I was thinking of what the first time meant to me for this particular part of my life, which in turn had a huge impact on my life. This is what I wrote: MY FIRST TIME WAS THE WORST TIME FIRST TIME STAYS STUCK IN MY MIND MAKES ME WISH I WAS BLIND FUCK THE FIRST TIME AKA WORST TIME FIRST TIME WORST TIME FELT GOOD LIKE SUNSHINE DO WAS IT WAS SUPPOSED TOO, WAS IT NATURAL / NORMAL THOUGHTS LINGERS IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME, IT'S KINDA GAY, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL SAY ANYWAY WHAT'S A YOUNG MAN TO DO WHEN A GROWN MAN CHOOSES ME TOO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE.............. THE FIRST TIME HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYDAY NOW I REALIZE THAT MOTHER PHUCKER WAS / IS GAY REGARDLESS OF WHAT GLAD SAY....... THE FIRST TIME STILL FUCKS WIT MY MIND GOT ME ON SOME SHIT THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO COMMIT IT'S HARD TO SHOW LOVE WHEN YOU CANT EVEN ASK FOR A HUG WE CLOSE BUT NOT THAT CLOSE, BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP YOU KNOW I'M GHOST INTIMACY JUST AIN'T A PART OF ME RIGHT NOW I'M FUCKIN & TRUCKIN AS SOON AS YOU DO THE DICK SUCKIN THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME , TRIED TO BLOCK IT OUT MY MY MIND BUT EVEN I CANT STOP ME............... MY ORAL FIXATION IS THE CAUSE OF SO MUCH HEART ACHE & FRUSTRATION by SOL

7 comments:

  1. Rissa:
    That was deep...my first time wasnt consentual either.... but that was my boyfriend so even after i tried to back out it was too late...he was 16, i was 14. I never got any real feelings from it so it doesnt too much effect me...wat effected me the most was my second 2 years later at 16 with a 28yr old who i remained with 4 2years there after...This is the person who contributed the most to Mz. Rissa. With him Ive seen it all drugs guns etc u name it... i had a lot to rap about....after we broke up...it took me a year and THAT is when MY wild out stage began...my ho-phase. it lasted for all of 6months but added 8extra ppl to my roster...so i would have to say my 2nd was the worst bcuz he set the tone of my life for a while...........

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  2. Top @ http://www.isiswisdom.com/

    Her name was Veronica. She lived in the same projects as I & everybody knew her.It started one day when my best friend at the time Rob said to me " Hey , you wanna fug Veronica?". Looking at him with disgust and then contemplating it for a while I replied "when? " You see Veronica's reputation was not a good one in fact one could say she was the "Neighborhood Ho". But hell I haven't had sex with any one besides my self...so who am I to complain. Rob or Auto as we called him..knocks on her door across the hall from him & invites her over. She readily comes. After a few minutes of small talk.she get's down to business, asking Auto & I? So who's first & can one of you buy me a pack of ciggz and a snikkers. Well at 16 i was working and thought "Damn a pack of ciggz & a Snikkers? No problem." I make my way down stairs to the neighborhood store ( you know the folks that sell shit out of their apartments). By the time I get back up stairs Rob & Veronica are taking about 5 more minutes to finish up. She gets in the shower to wash off & asks me if I'm ready. We enter Rob's room then I see her in all her glory..a beautiful frame for which her clothes did her no justice. I remember her looking at me & saying " Damn you bigger than I thought you were." So of course that stroked my young male ego.

    Upon entering her I felt the sensation I never felt before. I never knew what a woman or young woman felt like before. Can't say that I even knew for sure exactly what I was doing.But we both enjoyed it. Just before I came I jumped up thinking " I ain't tryna get her pregnant." Veronica startled by my sudden movement looks at me & then to my member saying " How'd you catch your self like that so fast." Again stroking my young male ego. I said " well when you know what your doing you know what your doing". But as all that was transpiring. Rob bursts into the room, excitedly as if surprised what was going on " Hey man get that off my floor." I ask him how & with what. (dumb kid) After all was said & done Veronica asked me if I would be her man..not wanting to date the neighborhood ho I declined. Not knowing that she really didn't have the reputation every one said she did. Damn & after that it was 6 months of me enjoying myself..by myself.

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  3. Esi Folayan Mayasa Chionesu @ http://www.isiswisdom.com/

    Peace God,

    I just really wanted to say thank you and send you much love for putting up this post. Man, I am a sista and I am used to hearing about us getting molested and raped, as for my first time, I too was raped and several times after wards. But we never deal with the molestation of our men children as if it doesn't happen. This definitely needs to be an issue brought to the forefront so that others know that they are not alone, that nothing is wrong with them and that they didn't do anything wrong and it is simply not their fault. This would also force us to deal with other issues such as homosexuality as well, but that's another conversation in itself. I have soooo much more to say, but feel this just really isn't the place to do so and I can't stop crying long enough to get anything else out right now, lol. So, again, I just wanted to say thank you and I love you brutha!

    Peace & Power!!!

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  4. September 24, 2009 at 12:20pm
    You know what I'ma share something with ya'll. I used to be ashamed. And sometimes I still am.But I know where my anger comes from about homosexuality. I was about 16 -17. My mom, my youngest sister & I had just came back in to town. Mom had sepperated from our step father & they later decided to reconcile. How ever when we came back. He had no where for us to go. Forcing us to live with other relatives. Now I could have lived with my father or one of his sister's..But I chose to stay with my mother's aunt. She was a beautiful woman inside & out, made me feel so welcome. How ever she had a son my mothers cousin about 30 something at the time. Who was gay. Now I knew he was gay, and had no problem with that. because he used to say to me all the time.." Don't let no man take your man hood".I would never touch you or try anything with you..for 2 reasons..one your a child & 2 your family. Always droping jewels of gay wisdom.Mom taught me tolerance of his life style. While my father and step-father taught resentment. Well it happens that when I moved in he told me I could not sleep on his mother's couch because she wouldn't like that.I never questioned it..nor did I think he would do what he did. He had boy friend. So of course I would sleep in the same bed ( at the foot ) with him ( my cousin) he never said or tried anything. I remember waking up a few times only to see his boy friend in the lazy boy when I awoke for school. One day I met a chick about 21 I began spending time with er and even having sex. I make it home to my cousin/aunts. And my cousin is kinda pissed about something asking me where I been & I need to wash my ass before I get in his bed. I'm like WTF? Longer story short. this mutha fucca tells me I'm coming between him & his man. His man is jealous of me & thinks we're fugging. Now mind you this is my cousin who'm I admired no matter what his sexual prefernce cause he made all of us laff & hell he never came at me ,ever.He goes on to say.." You need to let me suck your dick because my man ain't given me none because of you".
    I just well up with tears..not believing my ears. I sit up shocked, just dumbfounded..tears falling...he tells me "No need in crying..thats not gonna help. I have needs that you took away from me. so it's up to me to take care of it". to paraphrase.
    Now My aunt is in the other room and all I can think of is my mother and other family members saying she's in denial as to what he is. I don't know weather to call out to my Aunt, let him pleasure me, or ( try to )kick his mutha fukkin ass. a big ball of mixed emotions. I mean after all maybe I should have called my Aunt..I don't know. What I do know is he made me feel guilty. The next day I went to school, went to Buffy's job ( the older lady), and hung out at Rob's. I told Rob what happened & he asked his mother & father if I could stay their over the weekend. They obliged. Monday I go back and my cousin asks me if he could. This time I took no prisoners."Hell NO!!" I yelled not meaning to wake my aunt, but I did.she came in asking what was going on..all I could say to her was.." do you mind if I sleep on the couch tonight?" Suprisingly she said " I was wondering why you never slept down there before, I mean after all you aint a lil kid no more to be sleeping wit your grown ass cousin". The next day I call my mother..to which she was in denial almost as if I was making it up. But my step father...believed me & made my mother confront her cousin. What was said I don't know I couldnt bring myself to go in the house.Yet my step father said "Don't worry about that faggot muthha fugga no more". I believe it hurt my mother to know that. Yet even now when she brings him up. To talk about how funny he was, I don't have much to say..other than just smirk & change the subject.


    R.I.P. Cuzzin

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  5. MY MISSION IS TO MOVE THE REST OF THE CROWD JUST LIKE I MOVED YOU AND THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE RESPONDED...........My intent was not to make you cry though............. sorry about that....I have quite a few more postings to do today........... you can visit: .... this is the place that i cover a great deal of topics like this....... it was focused on sexual abuse $ men first..... I got 0 visitors for a long time.......... now I included a wider variety of topics....... there you can also listen to my blogtalkradio show .......................... today I will be uploading 5 pre recorded shows that I discuss the first segment of my life of sexual abuse & how it has effected my life......... please tune in.... this will not be a show for people to call in on... or you can email me @ thesolsurvivor@gmail.com with ANY kind of question.... or comment & I will make an effort to address it on a show!!!!!!!!!

    THANKS
    Esi Folayan Mayasa Chionesu said:
    Peace God,

    I just really wanted to say thank you and send you much love for putting up this post. Man, I am a sista and I am used to hearing about us getting molested and raped, as for my first time, I too was raped and several times after wards. But we never deal with the molestation of our men children as if it doesn't happen. This definitely needs to be an issue brought to the forefront so that others know that they are not alone, that nothing is wrong with them and that they didn't do anything wrong and it is simply not their fault. This would also force us to deal with other issues such as homosexuality as well, but that's another conversation in itself. I have soooo much more to say, but feel this just really isn't the place to do so and I can't stop crying long enough to get anything else out right now, lol. So, again, I just wanted to say thank you and I love you brutha!

    Peace & Power!!!

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  6. September 24, 2009 at 1:49pm
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    TOP, you made me feel good about postimg my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! glad I could help you share yours!!!!!!!!!!!!! check out my sites & shows.... you might find comfort & identity in some of the thoughts & feelings that I share!!!!!!

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  7. wow! Such courage. Thanks for sharing your story. I pray that your transparency help so many people.

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