I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND I WAS MOLESTED……………..( X- FACTOR!)

THIS VIDEO / SONG IS THE PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF THE FEELINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS BLOG

Lauryn Hill: X - Factor - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.


So, I told my girlfriend ( Michelle ) about my sexual abuse after a series of visits with my therapist. The most logical question any rational thinking man that ever contemplated doing such a thing would ask himself would be:

1) Why the fuck would I want to do that to myself?
2) How the hell would that help me in my relationship?
3) How & what would this woman look at me & how would she think of me?
4) How would I handle the possible rejection or lack of support?
5) What will I do if this doesn't go well?
6) Will I still be considered a mans man in her eye's?
7) What exactly do I tell her & how? If she wants to know?
8) Am I prepared to keep it moving?
9) What if ?, What if?, What if ?, What if?

In order for me to tell the story I must fill you in on the background of the relationship that we had for almost 8 years. We met in college and at the time she had a boyfriend so we managed to develop & maintain a friendship for about 3 years before we got together. At the time she wasn’t the most attractive woman that I knew & she was somewhat sensitive about her looks/appearance ( she was a video girl hater, still is! ) She had self esteem & insecurity issues that would later be amplified because of what I did for a living as a barber/ hair stylist / eyebrow & make up artist. I'm not a bad looking guy, so for whatever reason beautiful women were always around me, this was never a big deal to me because I grew up around a bunch of women .

Initially, I was attracted to the way she walked, then the kind of person that she was on the inside, so the fact that she wasn’t a 10 didn’t matter. She was a nice person and was fun to talk too about the bullshit that I had going on. When we got together, it started out as a long distance relationship & I was dating other people (later she moved to the same city that I lived in but claimed it wasn’t because of me). Initially ,she was the only girlfriend that I had but never really acknowledged her as such. Other people knew, but for whatever reason I didn’t tell her. I know it doesn't make sense too you, then again maybe it dose if your someone whose been where I've been. I had a need to compartmentalize my relationships & the amount of space inside of me for whoever was limited to a particular amount of space. To acknowledge to her the status of our relationship would give her the room to allow her "feelings" to grow like a plant with an unlimited supply of water as needed. At the time I wasn’t prepared to tell another woman that I loved her or that I was in love with her ( those are 2 very different things) due to the previous relationship that severely damaged my concept of friendship & love. That relationship was the cause of the many security , honesty, respect, & trust issues that I've had in my life /relationships with other women.

In retrospect, Michelle was a comfort, reliable, & somewhat of a safe zone in the early to mid part of our relationship. In spite of my lack of verbal commitment to her, I was always there and more importantly she was there for me. We spent a huge amount of time together, damn near lived together, I spent more time at her house than I did at mine. It was one of the most dysfunctional relationships that I've ever been in. She unknowingly dealt with and absorbed all of the punishment that a sexually & emotionally abused person can & will put you through. Being emotionally unavailable was a constant. I had more days than I can remember where I woke up and simply didn’t want to be touched, nights where I could hold her but she couldn’t hold me, and all type of sex with women that she wasn’t into. Having a sexual relationship with other women while I was with her was a constant and too me it had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt about her nor did it have anything to do with how I felt about her. If you ask her, I'm quite sure she has a totally different perspective. Bottom line she was my safe zone, the only person outside of my mother & family members that loved me more than I loved myself at the time, this was also a something tat caused me to resent her a great deal. I couldn’t understand how one person could love another person that didn’t love themselves nor what she saw in me that was worth while loving. On top of that she was very jealous of the relationship that I have with my mother. So the combination of all those things ( even though I was to blame for a large number of things) made it easy for me to cheat, lie, & be mentally abusive to her.

Anyway , she was there and she was supportive in a way that worked for me, shit …….. She had no clue about what was going on inside of me OR with me in our relationship. She was huge on communication & supporting her mans emotional needs & so forth. We were at a point where shit would fall apart & every time we would find away to get back together. We specialized in break ups to make up. Believe it or not , I got to a point where I was having more sex with other people than her, I'd just be there taking up space. We'd go weeks with out sex, part of the turn off for me was the fact that she wasn’t as sexually aggressive as the women I preferred to be with. We had sex when & if I wanted too. She was horrible at giving head & that was something that I almost had to have on a somewhat consistent basis, so I felt like I had no other choice sometimes. I never left and stayed in the relationship as long as I did because I simply had nowhere else to go, I didn’t know where else to go or be!

So at the suggestion of my therapist……………………….. I decided in an effort to better myself & our relationship that I would tell her about what has been apart of my life & was responsible in part for how I treated her & acted through out our relationship (particularly as it relate to my sexual escapades with other women). The reaction that I got was one that I did not expect at all……….. To me she appeared dumbfounded and at a total loss for words. She almost couldn’t look me in the eyes. I handed the 3 booklets that the therapist gave me to help explain to the partners of the sexually abused how & why we do the things that we do, she said that she would read them & that was the end of the conversation. Attempts to tall to her about it on several occasions was always met with some sort of stall tactic. It got to the point where I would just ask her out the blue if she ever read ANY of the booklets, only to get that she just didn't get to it yet. Keep in mind that this is a person that could /would read a 600 page novel in a night! If a stamp had something written on it she would read it! She loves reading that much…….. The straw that broke the camels back for me was finding the booklets at the bottom of the junk mail pile that was in the corner of her bed room. That shit hurt a lot, and it pushed me into the fuck it / fuck you zone with her. Not to mention how it made me feel as a man, a man that someone said they loved & cared about. ( I DON’T EXPECT THE READER WHO HASN’T BEEN ABUSED TO UNDERSTAND THIS TWISTED WAY OF THINKING & OPERATING IN A RELATIONSHIP) I always felt like she didn’t respect me as a man after that, like the image of me that she constructed in her head was destroyed in some way.

The relationship continued off and on for another year & a half to 2 years. We were basically at the point where we were either going to get married or go our separate ways. We've met each others parents on several occasions ect, ect, ect. In the process I found another person to transition into a relationship with who was able to handle what I needed to tell her about me. Even though I only told her enough to get by with, she showed me so much more support and found a way to show me how it was possible for someone to love me & for me to love myself. I wasn’t where I needed or wanted to be with her and things fell apart. I basically talked myself out of a great relationship, on top of a major complication, but I'm a much better person for it. I recently wrote Michelle a letter about our relationship, in an attempt to provide as much closure & understanding to our situation from my perspective as possible, plus apologize and offered her a chance to share with me how she felt …… she said that she would respond but has not to date, that was almost 2 months ago. In a lot of ways she feels like a person I just know now, we don’t really communicate anymore. Were facebook friends, but so are a lot of people you don’t really know!

11 comments:

  1. Reply by M on September 30, 2009 at 11:31am
    At the least it is out of your chest, enjoy the relief, if she was the one she would've stayed and offer you the comfort that you needed.
    8years of frustation and destructible behaviour and abusive relationship, is very long, now , you 're free. When you meet The One tell her don't wait too long.

    Unfortunately an outsider will never be fully able to give you the mental support that you crave. you're the only one that can make yourself happy by letting the past go. Completely will be a miracle, at least 21 days per month.

    love and respect brother,
    Maninha
    http://www.isiswisdom.com/xn/detail/1995725:Comment:126424

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  2. October 1, 2009 at 12:53am
    Bru I honestly don't think her "non-responsive" attitude? Had anything to do with you opening up about your past as a child.You know that, I know that, and anyone else that has read this knows that. It had everything to do with your "sexcapades" with other women, her love for you & your betrayal of that love is what caused it. Let's be honest...your therapist gave you bad advise on telling her about the other women.If that's what was said or you took it upon yourself to do.You betrayed her trust & love, and to her " there is no excuse" for that.
    Seriously did you honestly think there was going to be a pitty party and everything was going to be ok cause now she knows the truth & all would be well in the land of OZ...Nah. I'ma be honest...the only way I'm going to tell a woman I cheated on her..is if and or when I have decided not do so any more. Either that or I get caught.
    Now you and I have something in common, yet I dealt with mine differently. But as far as you telling her ( about the other women)...dat was dumb.

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  3. October 1, 2009 at 4:44am
    now that you point out, i forgot about the cheating i don't know how. I have to admit you're right that's the reason why she left and not because she saw him as lesser man but as an unfaithfull one and she could not bring hersel to read when and with who and all the details.

    I still admire him for telling the truth, but his terapist should help him to deal with his fear of loneliness and him confusing sex with love and his sex addiction.

    Top said:
    Bru I honestly don't think her "non-responsive" attitude? Had anything to do with you opening up about your past as a child.You know that, I know that, and anyone else that has read this knows that. It had everything to do with your "sexcapades" with other women, her love for you & your betrayal of that love is what caused it. Let's be honest...your therapist gave you bad advise on telling her about the other women.If that's what was said or you took it upon yourself to do.You betrayed her trust & love, and to her " there is no excuse" for that.
    Seriously did you honestly think there was going to be a pitty party and everything was going to be ok cause now she knows the truth & all would be well in the land of OZ...Nah. I'ma be honest...the only way I'm going to tell a woman I cheated on her..is if and or when I have decided not do so any more. Either that or I get caught.
    Now you and I have something in common, yet I dealt with mine differently. But as far as you telling her ( about the other women)...dat was dumb.

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  4. October 1, 2009 at 12:31pm
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    i understand everything about the cheating part that everyone is talking about........ its a lil difficult explaining .......... all the intricacies of the relationship + the EXTRA shit that goes with it in a blog!....... in a nut shell that relationship / period of time is the time of my life where I began to have flash backs, relive episodes, & become very..................................protective of myself(feelings), & too a certain degree found a great deal of difficulty believing that someone could love me the way that she did........... for me it was dis-functionally functional......... kind of like a drug addict / alcoholic that can do an excellent job @ whatever he /she dose but when they start wit they shit........ its a wrap..... + this was more geared to a person that is /was in my position. most people that have experienced what I have but are too ashamed to tell it! I realize that no one can make me better but me. I'm responsible for my own happiness & healing & im doing everything that I can to ensure that I live good & do the right thing! when you know better you do better..... but it dose sound crazy....................

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  5. October 1, 2009 at 12:38pm
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    she never knew about me cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she might have suspected it, but never never caught me in anything!
    the first time she ever saw me with another woman we weren't together.......... but we were hooking up every now & then......... one night she was @ my house waiting for me & went in the bag that my new girlfriend left @ my house,in my bedroom then saw my new girlfriend driving my car / pulling up to my house while she( the ex) was dropping me off .......... outside of that never nothing!

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  6. October 1, 2009 at 2:06pm
    So at the suggestion of my therapist……………………….. I decided in an effort to better myself & our relationship that I would tell her about what has been apart of my life & was responsible in part for how I treated her & acted through out our relationship (particularly as it relate to my sexual escapades with other women).


    Well that reads like you told her about the other women

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  7. October 1, 2009 at 6:40pm
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    ON ONE NOTE: C'MON SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ON THE OTHER..... I CAN UNDERSTAND..... ITS HARD TELLING THIS TYPE OF STORY & NOT MISSING A FEW DETAILS HERE & THERE.....

    THE OTHER WOMEN CAME INTO PLAY AS A RESULT OF THE WORK THAT I WAS DOING AS A BARBER/STYLIST/ EYEBROW/ MAKE-UP ARTIST.............

    JUST LIKE YOU FIND MEN WHO ARE REALLY HOMO'S ON THE LOW WITH A GANG OF WOMEN, MOST MEN THAT HAVE BEEN MOLESTED NEED TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF MASCULINITY THAT THEY MAY FEEL IS LACKING....

    THE THERAPIST THING IS ANOTHER BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS THAT SERIOUS!
    I HAD TO LET "HER" GO!!!!!!!!!!! 13TH FLOOR OF A RAPE CRISIS CENTER??????????????? GTFOH!
    SAY THE WRONG THING & THEY KEEP YOU!

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  8. October 3, 2009 at 2:07am
    IIght dawg fair enuff...
    Maybe I didn't comprehend it the way you meant it. In other words, when I read it again I can see something different in the quote I posted from you. But are you sure she 'actually' did not or 'possibly' could not accept the fact that you had been " taken advantage of" at a young age. Or maybe it was the way you presented it to her.?

    I don't know I wasn't there.I'm not here to persecute you.Just asking.

    Now as I read again for the 3rd time. You say in the 3rd paragraph

    I found another person to transition into a relationship with who was able to handle what I needed to tell her about me. Even though I only told her enough to get by with, she showed me so much more support and found a way to show me how it was possible for someone to love me & for me to love myself. I wasn’t where I needed or wanted to be with her.


    Which her??
    Are you saying you left the new girl or are you reflecting on the first one??
    And if you have moved on congratulations.

    the sol survivor said:
    ON ONE NOTE: C'MON SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ON THE OTHER..... I CAN UNDERSTAND..... ITS HARD TELLING THIS TYPE OF STORY & NOT MISSING A FEW DETAILS HERE & THERE.....

    THE OTHER WOMEN CAME INTO PLAY AS A RESULT OF THE WORK THAT I WAS DOING AS A BARBER/STYLIST/ EYEBROW/ MAKE-UP ARTIST.............

    JUST LIKE YOU FIND MEN WHO ARE REALLY HOMO'S ON THE LOW WITH A GANG OF WOMEN, MOST MEN THAT HAVE BEEN MOLESTED NEED TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF MASCULINITY THAT THEY MAY FEEL IS LACKING....

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  9. October 3, 2009 at 7:12pm
    Well Brother, I emapthize with u and it is a shame when you try to get to the root of the problem and everyone turns their back on you. It kind of feels like everyone when the one person that use choose to share with did not take yr heart into consideration. It is a good thing that you have the courage to come out and even go to therapy because most of us don't when we have a problem like that. I sure did not. I kept my secret bottled up for yrs and it tore away my insides until I could take it no longer.

    Have you ever read I know why a cage bird sings by Maya Angelou? Very good book. Basically, it pertain to our situation because the one person in the world she wanted respect, love, and understanding from she did not get but everyone else around her loved her dearly and it was not until she came of age that she realized that. If you want to know who and what happen read the book. LOL

    As far as starting new relationships, I not going to tell you not to because it is something that I desire myself eventhough it may be selfish but take some time and work on yourself Spiritually. We are not human seeking a spiritual experience we are spiritual being experiencing human existence. So take into account yr souls well being behind these tragic events.

    We bring about our own suffering so that we may learn and by you coming out with yr story well if may have happen to many men and it is too taboo to discuss. Keep doing what you do and work on you and in time yr other half will reveal herself.

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  10. 24 minutes ago
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    thank you for your kind words....................... i will read the book as well.........................
    I often reflect on that relationship & how I felt in it... it had its ups & downs but i knew when it was over...... the little voice in my head told me but i choose not too listen........ I didnt know where else to go & wasnt ready to be alone with myself, & for whatever reason I thought no one else would just love me ........ so to avoid no love ... i stuck around for love that didnt know how to love me due to what was going on with me.......... we even went to relationship therapy.............lol & of course i never told the paster about my abuse back then...........

    thanks......

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  11. TOP:
    we'll call the first girl........ the one that i spent the most amount of time with.... MICHELLE.
    the 2nd woman we will call PAM.,

    i met PAM...... @ work.... she was a client that I developed a great relationship with............... when i met her (PAM) my relationship with MICHELLE was at the end.......... we were basically going thru the motions.... & PAM (who was younger & better looking) was a breath of fresh air........ her attitude towards love & drama was what i needed......... she made me feel super safe with what i had to tell her........ I actually have a blog that im going to post about her......... & our abortion.
    thanks for taking the time to overstand what im saying........

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