Suicidal Thoughts

The first time I heard this song I couldn't stop listening to it! Although some of the circumstances of my life in comparison to the late great BIGGIE SMALLS, I felt like everything that he was saying was EXACTLY what I had been feeling for such a long time in life. Unlike may kids my age I was already getting high & drinking................ every weekend......... with my own money ( I had paper routes & detailed cars)! I was also entertaining the thought of killing myself.

I don't know what age I was, somewhere between 11 & 12, but I could tell you exactly what the cool summer 80's Bronx, NY air smelled like, what my mother was cooking, what Bob Marley song she was singing along too, exactly where the sun was, even where the cat & dog was sleeping. In the process of coming upstairs for something to drink after a game of stick ball, I make my way to the bathroom, close the door behind myself & turned the water on ( don't ask me why). I stood on the side of the bath tub balancing myself by using 1 hand to hold on to the shower curtain rod that has NEVER EVER been broken or replaced. With the other hand I took the belt off of my waist & fixed around my neck, the whole time I'm looking at myself in the mirrors on the opposite wall. I finally get the long part of the belt over the curtain rod & began to think about how painful this could possibly be, not to mention what kind of ass kicking I would get from my mother for fucking up the shower curtain rod & telling her about how it happened ( the thought of her being mad at me for trying to kill myself never crossed my mind, my mother didn't find out I was molested until I told her at the age of 33. To this day she has no knowledge of my suicide attempt).

Once I figured out the amount of pain & punishment I would endure I aborted my plan. I told myself I would physically hurt too much thus was not a good idea. Pain for the most part was not a part of my life at that point. It was all about doing things that made me feel as good as possible for all the wrong reasons & the pain you feel for that short moment in time when you kill yourself, however you do it, wasn't for me! So, I simply took the belt down, jumped down to the floor, turned the water off, put my belt back on, kissed my mom on the way out the door to go finish playing with my friends like nothing happened.

As time moved on I later realized that I was not totally over my fascination with death & pleasure. As a result of my premature exposure to sex, I began to engage quite a few girls/women in risky situations........ I was the shy / quite kid that father would leave his daughter with ............ even though here boobs grew to a 34c over night; that would fuck her as soon as he walked out the door. One night I even lied to my mom about where I was so that I could spend the night with this 25 yr old young lady.................. I was 16! I always had condoms, I just never like to use them. My logic was ........ If she doesn't tel me anything about anything, then I dint have anything! THANK GOD THAT I NEVER DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But that was my new method & means of trying to kill myself...... I wanted to feel good to death!!!!!! Because I didn't feel good on the inside..... It took me a while to realize that my sexual abilities, energy, & tastes can be a weapon, a curse, or a gift to whom ever I come in contact with in conjunction with the spiritual energy that draws a person too you. It is because of this that I have damage a few women that might have cared for me more than they cared for themselves, not realizing that they were ill equipped to "fix" me or address any of my needs. They didn't even have the ears to just LISTEN to me & my pain.

In the process of healing myself I managed to reach out to a few of the women that have been in my life and apologize to them & explain what my sickness is, some understand & some don't, but all in all they were extremely appreciative of the fact that I thought enough of them over time to want to do such a thing! I did it on behalf of all men who have done the same thing to women...... knowingly or unknowingly! An ex even told me that for the third time in a row she's involved with a man that has been sexually abused, but wont or cant admit it!